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Many times have I made the most touching appeals to him to save my life; but even before I could finish my sentence, he would turn and walk indifferently away without uttering one syllable.

Once alone do I find recorded, that he deigned a reply, which was under these circumstances.

Lena, a stage actress, who had become insane from a fall through the stage platform, had been dragging me around the ward by the hair of my head, and unless the attendant had been near to aid me, I might not have been able to extricate myself from her grasp at all.

Lena had, like Jenny, always seemed pleased to have me notice and caress her, as was my habit with them all who would allow it, until this time, when she turned upon me and treated me as I have described. After stating these facts, I added:

"Now, Doctor, I think a sane person is more in danger than the maniacs, for they will fight back, while I will not."

"Supposing," said he, "a person should enter your room with a loaded pistol and aim it at you, and you had one near which, by your using first, could save your own life, would you not shoot to save yourself?"

"No, Doctor, I would not; because my nature does not prompt me to defend myself in this manner. I have such an instinctive dread of taking the life of another, that I would rather die myself than kill another."

"I should, and I think every one would do the same in self-defence."

"I presume you would, and so would most men, for they were made to be the protectors and defenders of the weaker sex, and the man who would not do it in defence of a defenceless woman, is less than a man."

However, I could not convince the Superintendent that he was under any obligation to defend my life, and unless I had strength and courage enough to defend it myself, I must die; for so far as convincing him that he had any responsibility about the case, it was impossible to make him comprehend it.

In view of such facts I should not be at all surprised, if, when the thoughts of the heart are revealed, it will then be manifest that he placed my life thus in jeopardy among maniacs, hoping they might kill me!!

CHAPTER XXIII.
Self-defence. -- Clandestine Letters.

The oppressor's guilt renders him peculiarly sensitive to any action on the part of the injured one, by way of self-defence.

Therefore, in order to practice this duty, we are always compelled to use what some would regard as unjustifiable means. And yet, in exchange of circumstances, these complainers would feel no scruple in doing the same thing of which they complain.

Here I am literally entombed alive by fraudulent means, for a wicked purpose. The walls of my sepulcher are the walls of this asylum. I am allowed no communication with the outside world. No one inside these walls can aid me in doing so, without proving recreant to his trust as an employee. And no visitor is allowed to take out a letter from a patient in a public institution, without the Superintendent's knowledge or consent.

Now what shall I do?

Shall I quietly submit to these unjust laws, framed for the very purpose of perpetuating an absolute despotism?

I am a law defender; I do not like to be a law breaker, and God is never compelled to violate law to bring about His purposes, neither does He allow us to transgress any moral or natural law, to accomplish our own purposes, however desirable.

When we see no way of getting out of a sad dilemma, except that of wrong doing, we are directed to "Wait, wait on the Lord," that is, wait until Providence opens a way for us. As the traveler, in pursuing his onward course, coming in contact with the moving train, has nothing to do but to stop and wait until it passes by; so Providence clears His track without any law being broken.

Therefore, however desirable it may seem to me, to be free to care for, and communicate with my precious children, yet, although this vision tarries long, I must wait until the train, however long, passes by, before I can possibly behold this prospect.

Again, I must not murmur nor complain, although I am most keenly sensitive to the humiliation of my circumstances. But I will not bow down to wickedness. I do as well as I know how, and will continue to do so, knowing that impossibilities are not required of me by my righteous Judge, for I know that every good act is an investment in the bank of faith, and its dividends never fall short.

I believe, too, that God requires me not only to pray that wrong doing be stopped, but also to act in concert with this prayer, and the wrong doing, which it is my duty to stop, are the sins against myself. I must begin at home, being unable to defend others until I can defend myself; for how can a mother defend her children, unless she can defend herself?

I must defend myself not only for their sake, but also for the sake of society where I belong.

I have already tried the force of argument, reason, and entreaty, to induce Dr. McFarland to allow me some chance for self-defence, but all in vain.